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Sobriety and Life

The day I realized I have had enough

Usual day

Tuesday morning. I woke up 6:20 AM, as usual. Hangover and feeling like s***t – also – as usual. But this morning is somehow… not sure how, but it is different. I am feeling worse than usual. Not physically, but mentally. I am unusually down, depressed. What is wrong with me?… I have to drink less… 

So, I go to work. Trying to look productive, but – of course – I am not. With no success, I’m trying to reflect, what is wrong with me today. I hope, that gym (I started going to the gym a week ago), would clear my mind. I go there during my lunch break. So I’m waiting… 09 am… 10 am…. 11 am… 11:30 am – gym time. 

“It”

I’m standing up and going to a gym, it’s a 5-minute walk from the office. Usual 25-minute treadmill cardio, and 35-minute weights workout. I believe I feel a bit better. So I’m back at the office and, because I stopped eating breakfast two weeks ago, I feel hungry so I’m taking the elevator down to the canteen. Some food is in front of me, but I don’t feel hungry anymore. My hands started shaking. I am sweating. Here IT is… Not again…

“IT” – something which I call a hypertensive crisis. It’s probably not a medical hypertensive crisis, as I had it before several times and at the emergency, I was told: “You are fine, you just have an elevated blood pressure”. Usually, at those moments my blood pressure is ~180/110. I can’t measure it now, but I think it’s close to those numbers. It’s hard to describe the feeling at that moment, but it’s not fun. Scary actually. Dizzy, disoriented, shaky hands, pulsating head, etc. Feeling that I might get a heart attack or stroke… I didn’t have IT for probably ~6 months since I went extensive medical testing and got my medicine prescribed, so it’s a bit strange – why it’s happening today… (Btw, I’m 34 and my cardiovascular health is, as you guessed, is not great).

The reward for a great week

But, I know why it’s happening today. Last week I started the gym and went there each day from Monday to Friday. On Friday I was feeling great and proud of myself. That proud, that I have met my friend to celebrate… So we had… Em… 10 pints beer and then some whiskey on top, each. Then on Saturday hangover was unbearable, but my friend was also my neighbor. I called him and asked how he was, unsurprisingly he also didn’t felt to well and we decided to meet and “fix” our self with few more beers. And then a few more. And then more friends joined us and we had a few more. And… At ~7 PM I was out… Welcome, Sunday! Oh, wait… f***k Sunday, f***k me… My head… I found some beer leftovers in the fridge, 8 pints… Went to sleep early, tomorrow Monday – have to go to work. 

Monday. Waked up feeling like s***t. I decided, that I will work from home today, as I had zero energy going anywhere. Day went let’s call it “working” (staring passively at the monitor). At night, my wife returned from work, she was tired and went to bed early. I was bored and found out some whiskey leftovers, so had a shot. Then another. In total ~0.5 litter of it… And have I mentioned, I was smoking all these 4 days, although I quit 2 months ago.

And here I am at the office canteen, having a hypertensive crisis after 4 days of excessive drinking and smoking. I’m standing up, a bit disoriented, but I’m going to my floor, taking a double dose of medicine I was prescribed, which I having everywhere with me and sit quietly at my desk. Those moments usually don’t last very long and in about an hour I feel better. At least physically. But mentally, I am close to being broke. Even worse, it was in the morning.

Therapist

6 PM, time to go to the therapist (Tuesdays, 7 PM is my usual therapist time). I started visiting therapist ~3 months ago when I had serious stress-related issues at work.  During those three months, I have resolved my work stress-related problems, and seemed, that probably I don’t have much to talk about or fix and I was thinking ending therapist sessions soon. During my last visits, we discussed, that I am feeling good at work and home and that I started the gym and that everything is going just great…

I don’t want to go today… I even thought to call and cancel it earlier today, pretending that I’m sick. But I’m here. 

– Good evening.

– Hi Tony, nice to see you. Looking sporty today – [I was wearing sneakers and a sporty jumper] – How your gym plan is going?

– Great, last week I went there 5 times, I was there today… – Fantastic. How do you feel about it?

– Well… I don’t want to discuss the gym today. There is one thing and I don’t want to talk about it. I feel ashamed and guilty of speaking about it. But I have to do it… It’s about one problem, which I have for years now. Alcohol. I am an alcoholic…. 

To be continued…

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